Sk8J

...if you're going to be in the mail-order business, learn how to process delivery addresses.

Just because there are no buildings taller than three stories in Dodgeball, Wisconsin, doesn't mean that such buildings don't exist elsewhere in the world. But your webmonkeys failed to allow shoppers to input those in the delivery-address widget on your website. Anything longer than 5 Cowtown Ln gets chopped off.

Oh, you know that Special Delivery Instructions thing you put on the web form? Idiots! Apparently, YOU FORGOT TO PRINT THAT ON THE LABEL. So even though I provided the floor number, business name, and an Attn. line, IT DIDN'T MATTER!

So the UPS guy drives to the 52nd St. address, looks up and sees a 60-story building, goes "Wuh?," and chucks the box back into the truck.

And now, I have to call UPS three times to give them the full address (because they're bloody incompetent too), to make sure the damn package gets delivered, and I still can't get any guarantees out of them!

If they can't get the package to me tomorrow, my fourth and final call to UPS will be, "Return the package to the sender," and you, Lands' fucking End, can refund every dime of my money.

Second Day Air my left asscheek.

... you holiday shoppers. This is the busiest retail time of the year and cashiers are stressed and overworked. Don't make funny with them at their expense.

When an item won't scan and they're desperately trying to find the price, please refrain from inane comments like, "I think it's free, right?"

Gee, never heard that one before, you TWAT.



(This is the new Sk8 "Dear ..." thread, right?)

Thank you!

Though please, avoid the "It's free" one all year long, not just for the next month.

Only the left?

The right one was already send parcel post.

... Please, Please, PLEASE just fire the guy already, before he gives me a brain aneurysm.

The myriad of buttons, both on and off-screen, that make up your computer and software applications are all classified as "things".

Therefore, when you come to me and you say "I clicked on the thing, but it didn't work", I CANNOT HELP YOU.

Describe your problem in terms humans can understand.

Eeek!

Is this the guy we talked about the other night? Gah...

//... Please, Please, PLEASE just fire the guy already, before he gives me a brain aneurysm.//

I said this to my boss last week. This week he fired that guy and 13 other people who sat near him.

Apparently I don't know my own power.

C.

Yes, 'tis. It got worse....

You = awe-inspiring.

"Welcome to the Legion of Substitute Heroes, Collateral Damage Lad!"

...and eat your stinky-ass McDonald's burger and fries before you get on the bus, jackass. What the hell makes you think all 70 us want to smell you eating that?

... and try and have the next week's schedule a bit ahead of time done so I don't have to call on Saturday to find out if I working Sunday or not.

I'm IT, motherfucker. I fucking T. I do not sell things.

I repeat. I DO NOT SELL FUCKING THINGS. If I had to, I would quit the job altogether.

If some cunt on Sales lied to you over the specifics of your internet connection, go yell at them. Or change companies. Or sue us. Or go nosefuck a gorilla. BUT DO NOT YELL AT ME.

I do not give two fucks if you get scammed, because you are stupid enough to really believe what a salesperson, working on percentage, tells you, or you are dumb enough to change from one company to another to save two bucks when the first one was giving you ace service.

YOU ARE BARKING AT THE WRONG FUCKING TREE, YOU MONG.

... when the train is crowded and the doors open and you are standing blocking half the doorway as the whole train is trying to get out past you, GET OUT OF THE WAY.

I would be shocked if that ever happened. Ever.

I was leaning against the doors once in a crowded train. We pulled into the station and since I knew I'd be blocking the doors, I stepped back, out of the train, to let people pass. Of course, I stepped right on a woman's foot.

Oops.

<<GET OUT OF THE WAY>>

This is why I thank god I've got broad shoulders. I just knock those S.O.B.'s out the way.

When I was in law school I took the Metro there from work every afternoon. Because of my schedule and where I stood on the platform, and his schedule and where he stood, two or three times a week I encountered this one dude in a turban trying to enter from the same door from which I exited. He **would not** figure out to stand to the side and let the people off first. I must have knocked the wind out of him 10 times before he took the hint.

--Alex

It's the guys who get onto a nearly empty train, then stop just inside the doors to relax and spread out, all while there are a dozen people behind him trying to get on the train that drive me apeshit.

I should be allowed to put an icepick in their kidneys.

I have slammed people out of the way and then gone into my Little Miss Innocent act. "I am so sorry. I was being shoved by the people behind me also trying to get off the train. Are you OK?"

I usually try to be polite on the trains, but every once in a while I'll give someone a hard shoulder as I push past them, and then just walk on like I didn't even notice them. Since I'm 6-foot and 170 pounds, I generally assume they notice when I hit them.

That works even better when you're 6-foot and 300 pounds, I can say.

It's works even if you're a weakling. Just mustn't make eye contact and look occupied and give them a totally innocent "oh, sorry" afterwards.

If I'm wearing headphones, don't talk to me. Seriously. Not only to the headphones indicate that I'm not interested in a discussion right now, they also indicate that I can't hear you. I could understand if I was wearing earbuds and maybe you didn't notice them, but I'm wearing gigantic fucking cans on my ears. Piss off.

...you wanna be a voiceover artist? Learn to annunciate all the sounds that make up www. It's double-u double-u double-u. Like the letter 'w', only three times.

Not dubbayoo dubbayoo dubbayoo, fucktard. Seriously, you really sound like a fucktard saying it that way. I have no idea what a fucktard is, and yet I'm pretty sure saying 'dubbayoo' is one of their defining features.

Clearly you have completely repressed the entire Boston public transportation experience.

In a crowd, I will say excuse me. I am short, I may have to say it repeatedly..

BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN I AM A CAR AND NEED A HORN.

Although the idea of carrying a horn has a certain appeal.

Not when you hear the suggestion 6 times a day.

4 today just trying to get out of the Church.